By MIKE DICK
One Great Season
Senility has obviously begun to set in, or I would have thought to write about this before now. But thinking about the start of the World Cup reminded me of the opening match of USA 1994.
I was lucky enough to be in Chicago at "old" Soldier Field that day, to see defending cup holders Germany open the competition against Bolivia. It was a day to remember for sure, and not really because of the match itself. We were up high behind one of the goals, coincidentally right where the stage was put up for the opening ceremony extravaganza. This location gave us a wonderful vantage point to witness some unintentional comedy of the highest order.
Obviously some of the finest minds in entertainment were involved in the decision-making process, as we were treated to a veritable who's who of American entertainment. First, there was Chicago's own Oprah Winfrey. The daytime diva served as a master of ceremonies of sorts as I recall. Trouble was, there was some sort of trap door thing in the stage that was left open. So as Oprah rumbled onto the stage to get the party started, WHOOSH! She promptly disappeared, falling right into the hole. To her credit, she emerged relatively unruffled, and continued on with the show.
Not long after, the sold out crowd was treated to the song stylings of another American icon, Jon Secada? Richard Marx was apparently busy. In spite of the Oprah mishap, the trap door remained open. So Jon bound onto the stage to serenade the soccer fans and worldwide audience with a selection of his pop classics. (If you remember any, please email OGS.)
Jon was working the crowd, belting out his tunes, moving about the stage. But he, too, paid no attention to that damned hole, and that's when it got ugly. Whereas Oprah went clean through, Jon only caught it with one leg. So he fell in with one leg while the rest of his body crumpled onto the stage. He was hurt, but sat there near the hole and continued singing. I was sure he broke his leg, but I found an interview with him from a few years back where he said he had only separated his shoulder. Apparently, he completed his stage time, went to the hospital, and they popped it back in. That's how World Cup legends are born.
The final episode in this tragicomic trifecta of entertainment involved one Diana Ross. She was spared the indignity of a trip into the hole. Rather, she created her own dubious moment. Di was cavorting about the pitch singing "I'm Coming Out," I believe, when a couple members of her dance troupe appeared with two halves of an inflatable goal. With impeccably timed choreography, they came together to form a goal when a ball was rolled in front of Ms. Ross ... and she was to slot home a make-believe penalty into the open net from close range. Sadly, as she continued to sing, she scuffed it wide. Think Frank Lampard in the FA Cup against Pompey, except instead of a foot wide, try 15 feet. Brilliant stuff!
The match itself was fairly forgettable. Klinsmann scored, Etcheverry was sent off and Deutschland won. That was the start of traveling back and forth between Chicago and Detroit for all the matches played at those venues in the 1994 Cup. I had a friend and former co-worker who lived in Grand Rapids, Mich., and we crashed there a few times on our zig-zagging between the cities and matches.
When we arrived, we were informed that we had been oblivious to the beginning of one of the great legal and social sagas in U.S. history. While we had been watching the footy, we'd totally missed out on the slow white Bronco "chase" with A.C. Cowlings wheeling down the freeway alongside Orenthal James Simpson. In hindsight, the perfect day of bizarro entertainment might have been to see the cock-ups of the World Cup opening ceremony, then skip the opening match for a spot in front of the TV for the O.J. drama. But we let the football get in the way ... as it should be.
Jabulani Complaints Confirmed
The chorus of complaints about the Adidas Jabulani World Cup ball has reached a crescendo. The world's top goalkeepers, including Iker Casillas of Spain, Gigi Buffon of Italy, Julio Cesar of Brazil and Timmy Howard of the USA have all turned a big, gloved "thumbs down" to the new orb. They've echoed the sentiments of US backup Marcus Hahnemann who called the ball "horse shit."
They aren't alone. England legend Gordon Banks says the ball has "ruined the art of goalkeeping," and many field players don't like it either. There certainly seems to be ample proof that the ball does some funny things in the air -- floating, dipping, swerving and knuckling. But others have said the whiners should "man up," because everyone will be playing with the same ball.
But OGS can confirm in a worldwide exclusive that there very well could be legit gremlins associated with the Jabulani and its family tree of Adidas balls. Concrete proof of this anomaly was exposed during a co-ed indoor match at Mockingbird Valley Soccer club in Louisville, Ky., on Sunday night.
That's when this author was beaten by a long range shot that swerved away from me and into the top right corner ... by a femme, no less. My initial thought was to chalk it up to the fact that I'm approaching 50 years old, do my match training on a barstool, am grossly out of shape and have a pair of bum knees and therefore the agility of a turtle lying on its back.
But after many days of careful consideration, and wracking my brain to find a way to divert the blame from myself, the lightbulb came on. Taking inspiration from the higher-level brothers of the goalkeeping fraternity, I'm blaming the goal on the $20 Jabulani replica ball we were using! I feel better now.
Click here for Mike's bio and an archive of his previous stories.