Players Shouldn't Have All The Fun At Throwback Games

By DAVID BALUTANSKI
One Great Season

I was sitting alone in the pub a few months ago (standard protocol), sipping a beer and half-watching a muted baseball game on the fuzzy TV that was bolted into the ceiling, when I came up with a clever idea.

The players in this particular game were sporting throwback uniforms from the 1920s, and I thought (light bulb!), how about an entire throwback day at the old ballpark? Why should the players have all the fun? We the fans could have a special night where everyone wears old-timey clothes and says old-timey things like, "Give 'em the full mustard, boy-o," or "Smoke that apple into the garden." We could all be extras from "The Natural" for one glorious night. Picture it: a whole stadium of men in sharp grey suits and crisp, brimmed fedoras, little kids in knickers eating red-hots, ladies in lovely dresses and giant hats. Peanuts for 5 cents.

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This can work, just like the Civil War guys. I'm sure these Civil War re-enactors started small, too, perhaps with two or three hung-over guys just running around a field in Virginia with BB guns. But it built up slowly — maybe it took decades — and now there's a giant faux battle seemingly every weekend, coinciding with a NASCAR race. They did it; we can do this, too.

OK, I see the challenges. Your average stadium isn't exactly filled with gentlemen (i.e. — Philly kid who projectile-vomited on an innocent family). And besides the boorish behavior — the fashion is lacking — I've been to about 10 MLB games this year, and the typical uniform of the average fan consists of stained sweatpants, a fanny pack and an ill-fitting Pujols or Jeter jersey purchased at Dick's for $15.99. I'm not sure how many of these guys actually even own a suit and tie, let alone a fedora. But I've been to the Kentucky Derby and I've been to SEC football games, and these are two sporting events where suit and tie are practically de rigueur. It's not impossible.

MLB could sponsor a special "Throwback Night" where fans wearing period garb would get in for a discounted price and enjoy discounted concessions. No other sport has a more romantic connection to its past than baseball. The average fan will still recognize the names of players from 80 years ago: Mel Ott, Ted Williams, Lefty Gomez, Josh Gibson, Bob Feller, Babe Ruth. Try and name a basketball player or football player from the 1930s. Good luck.

I think this could be a great way to honor the game and its history, and its place in American history. I understand if the average fan doesn't want to do it. But I'm going to inspire everyone and wear my old-timey suit to the next throwback game. I just ask one thing: Please don't toss a full beer on my fedora; it's my Grandpa's.

Balutanski is a New York-based freelance writer and stand-up comedian.