Are You There, Athletes? It's Me, God

By DAVID BALUTANSKI
One Great Season

Hey, athletes, it's God here (supreme being, the OMG, creator of all that is seen and unseen, yada yada). How's your week going? Super. That's nice to hear. OK, glad everyone is good. 

Um, this is a little awkward, but I just wanted to address something that's been bothering me and would love to chat before it becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be. I'm not really sure how to approach this but — oh hell, I'll just come right out and say it — can you guys please stop pointing up at Heaven when you do something "good" on the field?

First of all, and this may sting a little bit, but I really don't give a flying f*ck. As an omniscient being, I know the final score of every game played and every game that will be played, so it's kinda boring.

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An Open Letter To The "Get In The Hole" Guy

By DAVID BALUTANSKI
One Great Season

Dear drunk, chubby, white suburban guy from the PGA event this past weekend:

I just want to express thanks for your assistance in helping me get my ball near the hole on Sunday at the Tour Championship. Without your encouraging shouts of "Get in the hole," at the top of your lungs each and every time I struck the ball, I'm not sure any of my shots would have even made it near the green.

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Players Shouldn't Have All The Fun At Throwback Games

By DAVID BALUTANSKI
One Great Season

I was sitting alone in the pub a few months ago (standard protocol), sipping a beer and half-watching a muted baseball game on the fuzzy TV that was bolted into the ceiling, when I came up with a clever idea.

The players in this particular game were sporting throwback uniforms from the 1920s, and I thought (light bulb!), how about an entire throwback day at the old ballpark? Why should the players have all the fun? We the fans could have a special night where everyone wears old-timey clothes and says old-timey things like, "Give 'em the full mustard, boy-o," or "Smoke that apple into the garden."

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