An Open Letter To The "Get In The Hole" Guy

By DAVID BALUTANSKI
One Great Season

Dear drunk, chubby, white suburban guy from the PGA event this past weekend:

I just want to express thanks for your assistance in helping me get my ball near the hole on Sunday at the Tour Championship. Without your encouraging shouts of "Get in the hole," at the top of your lungs each and every time I struck the ball, I'm not sure any of my shots would have even made it near the green. Yes, I know I've been playing 36 holes a day, 6 days a week since the age of 9, and I've literally spent thousands of hours at the driving range perfecting the nuances of my swing. But I still feel like I need a spectator to offer that last bit of help to get my ball to its intended destination. I know it's a bit silly — yelling at an inanimate plastic object and trying to get it to obey your commands — but I gotta tell ya, I think that it has some effect, right? Granted, none of my tee shots or fairway shots actually went in the hole, but maybe next weekend you can try and yell just a bit louder. That stupid ball is probably just being stubborn.

Also, I wanted to say thanks for all the shouting in general. Golf has been too classy and genteel throughout the years. I'm glad you've finally brought some real behavior to shake up some of these boring, old traditions.

Thanks Again,

Professional Golfer

Balutanski is a New York-based freelance writer and stand-up comedian.